Blog Entry #2

Hi all. Sorry it took me a week to blog again…it seems curious minds were anxiously awaiting the next entry; I don’t blame ‘em…you can’t make this stuff up! Anyhow, no word from Bryan or his family…neither responded to my first entry; I didn’t think they would. I just wonder how they go about their every business without concern for Jayciella. HUH?

So, my last entry got some interesting feedback. A friend of mine (a male friend, which BTW…really do think sooo different from women) really got me thinking. He said that all I was saying was ‘falling on deaf ears’ and to just file through the state for child support and let it go…in a nutshell. He told me that I may be looking for an answer that I will never get and even if I did get an answer (as to how a father of a baby could turn his back on his obligations…and yes, I do believe when two people have a child together there are certain obligations…we’ll speak of these in another blog) it will not be good enough. He is right! What answer can I get that will ever justify these actions (they are, indeed, inexcusable)…probably none. I mean, what could the answers be…”I’m too young”…”I’m not ready”…”I want to live me life”…”My mother told me this will ruin my life” (she really did…more on this in a later blog)…I could come up with tons of possible answers…all equally unacceptable. Hum…what would happen if I, too, decided I’m too young, not ready, etc…where would Jayciella be then? Lucky for her, one of us can hack the responsibility! So you see…it is my human nature to try to understand things and look for answers…and further, defend what I believe in my heart is right (maybe I should have been a defense attorney, as my mother/brother always sarcastically call me)! My thought process is as follows…I am a woman, a mother to a daughter who is my life…my heart, she is everything to me. I look at her and tear up sometimes over just how much joy and love she makes me feel. I watch her in all her new ‘milestones’ and accomplishments (there are MANY these days) and my face lights up as she learns something new and looks to me for affirmation and approval…with every kiss, giggle, squeeze and tickle… I realize she is an extension of me and God choose me to be her ‘MOMMY.’ Then I have another realization, that her father, who also took part in her creation, is NOT here to see these things…that the very things that complete my life and help define who I am (my daughter)…are not what completes him (I wonder what does complete him). To think of this, hurts me…but I am a 28-yr-old grown woman, who is resilient and strong…thanks be to God, but my 9 month old daughter…that’s who I hurt for…and sometimes, just sometimes…I hurt most for Bryan, not only for the joy he is missing but also because I know that he isn’t fully grasping the error of his ways…and there consequences. So, while I thoroughly enjoyed speaking with my friend and I know his intentions were good, I am not sure he fully gets it…that I cannot just ‘let it go’ without at least an attempt at uncovering reasons…and I would not want to. I have (or had…I don’t even know anymore) this desire for Jayciella to have her mother and her father raise her in a happy family unit…well, it isn’t so (we’re a happy family unit, just minus the father part), therefore, that same desire now fuels me to do right by my daughter...and that includes me, at the very least, trying to understand all this. SO you see, this friend I speak of has two children himself, but he has never had to care for them all by himself or even think about how hard it would be if he had to…he has a wonderful wife who, well, pretty much holds down the fort (as far as the children are concerned)…if he really were ever in my shoes he would know that its hard in every sense of the word. To me…things are not always so black and white...we are human and we think and feel and have real emotions and well…all this can lead to very grey areas…where things are not so clear cut. Logic has its place in the world, but when it comes to family and children and love…well, there’s no room for it…

On a more serious note, I was at the doctor Wednesday with my daughter…it turns out her blood work is still abnormal. Two weeks ago, though, her white cells were going up (from 300 to 800)...so I was happy. But yesterday, they went back down to 500...ugggg...!!! So, if in two more weeks her blood counts are not where they need to be, we will need to discuss a bone marrow test. I am quite scared of this, as it is invasive, but I plan on getting a second opinion...I will keep you posted on her status. Did you ever have to take your baby to a hematologist/oncologist? Yeah, it’s certainly not fun, most especially when you’re by yourself. I’m not gonna lie…a little more resentment sets in every time I have to take her (and she has been going every two weeks for two months now). The physical end is hard, which includes getting dressed, getting her dressed, packing up the diaper bag, filling her bottles, making sure I have everything, carrying the 25lb+ car seat, plus my purse, plus the diaper bag, down three flights of steps, putting her in the car, driving to the hospital, paying for parking, parking, getting the carriage out of the back, unbuckling her from the car seat and rebuckling her into the carriage, walking to the elevator, go down to the main hospital level to the lab, take her out of the carriage, hold down her little arm while the nurse pokes her with a needle and she screams bloody murder, comfort her, put her back in the carriage, watch her closely to make sure she doesn’t eat her bandage, go back to the elevator, go up to the pediatric hematology/oncology floor, check her in (and I’m almost always asked if I’m her mom, since my id doesn’t match her last name…one reason why I seek to change her last name…more on this in another blog), unbuckle her AGAIN, hold her while the nurse takes her blood pressure, temp, height and weight…all while screaming (yeah, she hates the doctor), undress her, hold her and try to entertain her while waiting for the doctor and his news and Jayciella’s test results, stand by in panic as the doctor exams her (she is still screaming), redress her, and well…repeat many of the above steps to get back home (you get the point)! So, yes, the physical end is hard, very hard and exhausting…but nothing can compare to the emotional pain and the fear and the worry of thinking something may be wrong with my baby girl and going through it alone, with little emotional support and nothing from Jayciella’s father! Sometime, I just cry while I’m there, other times, I’m just in shock that I’m even going through it…I sit there and look into the chemo room or at the basket of handmade, knit caps that were donated by a kind soul for the balding kids…and I pray to God for Jayciella to be fine (and in my heart, I believe she is). I know that, while this is hard for me, (as it would be for any mother) I’m creating an even deeper, stronger bond between Jayciella and myself. I am there for her, as her protector and comforter in all this…and she feels it and will remember this in the future, I wish we can say the same for Bryan, as you cannot rewind time. SO, yeah, I get mad and angry and resentful (who wouldn’t???) at the thought that while I am going through all this (and that is just a trip to the doctor…more on my everyday routine in a later blog), Bryan is at work or school or sleeping or out with his friends or having a drink or away for the weekend or (get this…) out salsa dancing, etc…etc…etc. I have no sympathy for him…and no tolerance for his actions, or lack there of! He says he ‘tried’…well, I’m not sure how (more on this in a later blog).

So, yeah, it stinks going to the hematologist/oncologist with your nine month old daughter…alone without comforting words of reassurance from her father. But not having him there…well, is bitter-sweet…seeing as though my first trip to the ER with Jayciella resulted in my having to ask him to leave the room (he instead left the hospital altogether…and left me there with her till 6 in the morning…more on this in a later blog). I am aware that he may not get all this or understand me or why I feel the way I do or do the things I do…and I don’t fault him for this, but I do fault him for giving up or trying to understand and put himself in my shoes! Someone most know that what is going on is wrong…I pray that soon, someone starts giving him better advice…selfless, unbiased advice…

Till next time…

Hi all. So, I started a blog! At first, it was really just an email sent to a few chosen people, but I figured...I would post it on a blog to make things easier. I was going to write one long letter, but I decided letters are sooo 1990's and for those you care about...and well, blogging is the new black! Also, with all I have to say, doing it in one shot would be waaay too much! The blog will be about my life and the issues that surround it. Mainly, I will be discussing Bryan (my daughter's father) and his family and their lack of involvement in Jayciella's life, among other things. Some of the writing will be just my thought in journal form and other entries will be directed to Bryan. I would have done this sooner, only I was waiting for my desire to have someone hold him down while I beat him go away before I wrote!!! You'll be happy to know, while this desire didn't go away completely, it has subsided a bit...so I figure now is as good a time as any to start my blog! ;P SO, I am considering this somewhat of a 'Comedic Blog'...a therapeutic outlet or release, if you will!!! Keep in mind, however, that all if what is mentioned in my blog is true, most of it is NOT funny (and should not be taken lightly), and all of it is...well...quite unimaginable! But this is just my feeble attempt to, ummm....find sooome humor is all of this...because really, I just have to laugh at it all at this point (otherwise, I might seriously lose it on someone). What's more, is that I think these blogs are advantageous to all...I mean, an email or a house visit? Ummm...yeah, I've been pushed to a place where I'm thinking a house visit could end very badly.

You might be wondering why I'm doing this...a few reasons! For starters, something came over me where I really want people to [finally] know the truth., it's like an overwhelming desire to uncover what has been in the dark for quite some time. I am almost certain that Bryan has painted me out to be an evil person, "who doesn't let him see the baby" and so on! Well...it's just not true! He has a bad tendency to twist up events/stories...so, now you can see for yourself! As you read my blogs and stories begin to unfold, you may think that I am 'living in the past' or not 'moving on' or not forgiving...well, I'm not living in the past or rehashing things for the fun of it all...all of this is being reiterated to strengthen some strong believes that I have (that Bryan and his family has struggled with accepting my daughter since day one) about all this and to simply state the facts in order for all of this to make sense to you (and me). And, no offense to anyone, but I'm not really too concerned with what you think of me or what you believe...I know in my heart the truth, more importantly...God knows, but this doesn't mean I'm prepared to sit back and watch these things unfold and do nothing! I have nothing to hide...this is more about shedding some necessary light on many different situations, in the name of what is fair and just. And, well...maybe someone can help him, talk to him, direct him, etc. Because I truly believe in my heart that one day he is going to wake up with a heap of regret and realize sooo much; its going to hit him like a tons of bricks. You see...he is missing out on sooo much. How sad for him...!!! I am fully aware that it may anger some that I am 'airing laundry' but seriously, IM ANGRY and I am no longer concerned with protecting other people's feelings. Mine and Jayciella's feelings are what's important to me now. I have beeeen too nice and easy for too long....no more! I'm kind and easy-going...but I'm not a doormat. What I have endured over the past couple years should be illegal.

There are 2 entries today, "Mr. Mom" and "Show me the Money"...OK...happy reading...

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"Mr. Mom" (lol...yeah right!)

Bryan,

So, you haven't seen your daughter in one month! This is unimaginable to me and quite disgraceful! Don't get me wrong, the last month has been quite calm and peaceful without all of your antics and, quite frankly, I don't really want you around...but I just wonder how you lay your head down on your [dirty] pillow at night and go to sleep knowing that you haven't seen your daughter...a sweet, precious baby girl. And you and I both know that it is most certainly not because of me you haven't seen her!!! I never told you that you couldn't see her. What?...you called 3 times in a MONTH...no message...nothing! It as if you make your 'obligatory' phone call, so if someone asks you about Jayciella, you'll say, "I haven't seen her, but I called." Like your off the hook because you 'tried'...paaaaalease!!! I'll tell you something...no one would keep me away from my daughter for 4 hours, never mind 4 weeks! If you really wanted to see her...you would have! What a shame! Maybe it's your guilt why you let a month go by (which in baby time, with all the milestones and all, is like years!!!) without making a solid attempt to see her (not that she wants you to just 'see' her). I mean, sometimes, I feel that its better off this way, seeing as thought I don't think it's best for Jayciella to have you around whenever you feel like it or when have a free hour between work and class or when you are doing something that is more important than your daughter! Just because you don't see your daughter...DOES NOT mean she doesn't exist!!!

I’ve been thinking about why you can’t stand me these days and why you act the way you do. I think it’s because I speak the truth and you are at a point in your life where you are trying to run from or avoid the truth, hence the reason you run from me! You’d rather go about your everyday life not facing your truth or reality...or that fact that you have a baby girl whose life is not on pause (your missing it). I know that your parents wanted all this to go away when they first learned I was pregnant (they even said that if there weren’t a part of BLD they would want me to have an abortion…can you even imagine that comment) and they wish you didn’t have a baby, but what I didn’t realize is that you felt the same way, WOW…and you must feel the same way based on your lack of involvement. You see, because of this flawed way of thinking (that's rubbed off on you)...you have not been able to embrace your role as a father.

I am sickened by your choices and saddened for you all at the same time...

~to be continued...


"Show Me the Money"

Months back, we agreed that you would pay me $200 bi-weekly for Jayciella. Well, since you left on January 27th, I only received $400. You are behind $800 on your child support payments that you promised to pay me in May. Actually, you said you would give me $200 on May 8th and the other $600 on May 22nd…I have not received this. Your exact words were, “Can I give you only $200 May 8th because Mothers day is right after and I wanted to get you and my mom something special and then I will give the difference of $600 on May 22.” Well, I hope you spent the money on something really special for you mom for mother’s day because Lord knows you didn’t get me anything (not that I want or need your gift, but I did carry you daughter inside of me for 9 months and then pushed her out and I care for her…alone, just to name a few…the least you could have done was acknowledged my first mother’s day!) Anyway, I hope your mom is enjoying whatever you got for her and I hope she knows that you purchased it with Jayciella’s child support money. You know, just because I have the financial means to meet all of Jayciella’s needs without any help from you (and I do), does not mean that you should not pay. As much as I would love to tell you to shove your money you know where, that would not be fair to my daughter. She is entitled to this money and you are responsible for paying it. Whether I use the money for her now or put it in an account for later…you need to pay it…its just that simple. So, if I do not receive the $800 in one week from today and then the subsequent payments on time starting in June ($200 every 2 weeks) I will be filing for child support through the state; I will not fight or beg you any longer, I shouldn’t have to. Oh, and by the way…if you are thinking that you are not going to pay me because you haven’t seen Jayciella…the state doesn’t care when or if you see her, you have pay regardless of how often you see her. Child support and custody are two different things! Shame on you...taking money out of your daughters mouth...

While we are on the topic of money...can you please make an attempt to repay me the $1000 or so that I lent you to pay for a semester at Middlesex (and you say I don't care about your education...huh!) and for the $600 you borrowed from Jayciella's Christening money (the exact amount you contributed, you borrowed back...huh!) annnnd for my bathroom door that you punched 3 holes in and knocked off the hinges (read more about this later in "Happy Fists").
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Look out for more Hot Topics including (but not limited to):

"Happy Fists"
starring Bryan Atienza/co-starring Father Robert

"What Do You Want From Us???"
quoted by yours truly, Eleanor Atienza & Bryan Atienza

"The Good Son"

"Diary of a Hot, Sexy, Mad White Woman"
(WHAT? That's not the title? Oh well...its my blog, I'll change things as I see fit ;P )

"Monster-in-Laws"
(oh, wait...this is for another blog...my mistake!)

"Jayciella Gets a New Last Name"
(she has been requesting 'Square Pants' or 'The Explorer'...but I told her neither were really becoming.)

"Dumb and Dumber"
(opps...sorry again...this, too, is for another blog)

"Shall We [Salsa] Dance...(while my daughter is at the cancer doctor)"

"I left my daughter and her [scared] mom at the ER"

"Reality Bites"
(or does it?)

.....and more...


ok...till next time....