Hi all. So, I started a blog! At first, it was really just an email sent to a few chosen people, but I figured...I would post it on a blog to make things easier. I was going to write one long letter, but I decided letters are sooo 1990's and for those you care about...and well, blogging is the new black! Also, with all I have to say, doing it in one shot would be waaay too much! The blog will be about my life and the issues that surround it. Mainly, I will be discussing Bryan (my daughter's father) and his family and their lack of involvement in Jayciella's life, among other things. Some of the writing will be just my thought in journal form and other entries will be directed to Bryan. I would have done this sooner, only I was waiting for my desire to have someone hold him down while I beat him go away before I wrote!!! You'll be happy to know, while this desire didn't go away completely, it has subsided a bit...so I figure now is as good a time as any to start my blog! ;P SO, I am considering this somewhat of a 'Comedic Blog'...a therapeutic outlet or release, if you will!!! Keep in mind, however, that all if what is mentioned in my blog is true, most of it is NOT funny (and should not be taken lightly), and all of it is...well...quite unimaginable! But this is just my feeble attempt to, ummm....find sooome humor is all of this...because really, I just have to laugh at it all at this point (otherwise, I might seriously lose it on someone). What's more, is that I think these blogs are advantageous to all...I mean, an email or a house visit? Ummm...yeah, I've been pushed to a place where I'm thinking a house visit could end very badly.

You might be wondering why I'm doing this...a few reasons! For starters, something came over me where I really want people to [finally] know the truth., it's like an overwhelming desire to uncover what has been in the dark for quite some time. I am almost certain that Bryan has painted me out to be an evil person, "who doesn't let him see the baby" and so on! Well...it's just not true! He has a bad tendency to twist up events/stories...so, now you can see for yourself! As you read my blogs and stories begin to unfold, you may think that I am 'living in the past' or not 'moving on' or not forgiving...well, I'm not living in the past or rehashing things for the fun of it all...all of this is being reiterated to strengthen some strong believes that I have (that Bryan and his family has struggled with accepting my daughter since day one) about all this and to simply state the facts in order for all of this to make sense to you (and me). And, no offense to anyone, but I'm not really too concerned with what you think of me or what you believe...I know in my heart the truth, more importantly...God knows, but this doesn't mean I'm prepared to sit back and watch these things unfold and do nothing! I have nothing to hide...this is more about shedding some necessary light on many different situations, in the name of what is fair and just. And, well...maybe someone can help him, talk to him, direct him, etc. Because I truly believe in my heart that one day he is going to wake up with a heap of regret and realize sooo much; its going to hit him like a tons of bricks. You see...he is missing out on sooo much. How sad for him...!!! I am fully aware that it may anger some that I am 'airing laundry' but seriously, IM ANGRY and I am no longer concerned with protecting other people's feelings. Mine and Jayciella's feelings are what's important to me now. I have beeeen too nice and easy for too long....no more! I'm kind and easy-going...but I'm not a doormat. What I have endured over the past couple years should be illegal.

There are 2 entries today, "Mr. Mom" and "Show me the Money"...OK...happy reading...

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"Mr. Mom" (lol...yeah right!)

Bryan,

So, you haven't seen your daughter in one month! This is unimaginable to me and quite disgraceful! Don't get me wrong, the last month has been quite calm and peaceful without all of your antics and, quite frankly, I don't really want you around...but I just wonder how you lay your head down on your [dirty] pillow at night and go to sleep knowing that you haven't seen your daughter...a sweet, precious baby girl. And you and I both know that it is most certainly not because of me you haven't seen her!!! I never told you that you couldn't see her. What?...you called 3 times in a MONTH...no message...nothing! It as if you make your 'obligatory' phone call, so if someone asks you about Jayciella, you'll say, "I haven't seen her, but I called." Like your off the hook because you 'tried'...paaaaalease!!! I'll tell you something...no one would keep me away from my daughter for 4 hours, never mind 4 weeks! If you really wanted to see her...you would have! What a shame! Maybe it's your guilt why you let a month go by (which in baby time, with all the milestones and all, is like years!!!) without making a solid attempt to see her (not that she wants you to just 'see' her). I mean, sometimes, I feel that its better off this way, seeing as thought I don't think it's best for Jayciella to have you around whenever you feel like it or when have a free hour between work and class or when you are doing something that is more important than your daughter! Just because you don't see your daughter...DOES NOT mean she doesn't exist!!!

I’ve been thinking about why you can’t stand me these days and why you act the way you do. I think it’s because I speak the truth and you are at a point in your life where you are trying to run from or avoid the truth, hence the reason you run from me! You’d rather go about your everyday life not facing your truth or reality...or that fact that you have a baby girl whose life is not on pause (your missing it). I know that your parents wanted all this to go away when they first learned I was pregnant (they even said that if there weren’t a part of BLD they would want me to have an abortion…can you even imagine that comment) and they wish you didn’t have a baby, but what I didn’t realize is that you felt the same way, WOW…and you must feel the same way based on your lack of involvement. You see, because of this flawed way of thinking (that's rubbed off on you)...you have not been able to embrace your role as a father.

I am sickened by your choices and saddened for you all at the same time...

~to be continued...


"Show Me the Money"

Months back, we agreed that you would pay me $200 bi-weekly for Jayciella. Well, since you left on January 27th, I only received $400. You are behind $800 on your child support payments that you promised to pay me in May. Actually, you said you would give me $200 on May 8th and the other $600 on May 22nd…I have not received this. Your exact words were, “Can I give you only $200 May 8th because Mothers day is right after and I wanted to get you and my mom something special and then I will give the difference of $600 on May 22.” Well, I hope you spent the money on something really special for you mom for mother’s day because Lord knows you didn’t get me anything (not that I want or need your gift, but I did carry you daughter inside of me for 9 months and then pushed her out and I care for her…alone, just to name a few…the least you could have done was acknowledged my first mother’s day!) Anyway, I hope your mom is enjoying whatever you got for her and I hope she knows that you purchased it with Jayciella’s child support money. You know, just because I have the financial means to meet all of Jayciella’s needs without any help from you (and I do), does not mean that you should not pay. As much as I would love to tell you to shove your money you know where, that would not be fair to my daughter. She is entitled to this money and you are responsible for paying it. Whether I use the money for her now or put it in an account for later…you need to pay it…its just that simple. So, if I do not receive the $800 in one week from today and then the subsequent payments on time starting in June ($200 every 2 weeks) I will be filing for child support through the state; I will not fight or beg you any longer, I shouldn’t have to. Oh, and by the way…if you are thinking that you are not going to pay me because you haven’t seen Jayciella…the state doesn’t care when or if you see her, you have pay regardless of how often you see her. Child support and custody are two different things! Shame on you...taking money out of your daughters mouth...

While we are on the topic of money...can you please make an attempt to repay me the $1000 or so that I lent you to pay for a semester at Middlesex (and you say I don't care about your education...huh!) and for the $600 you borrowed from Jayciella's Christening money (the exact amount you contributed, you borrowed back...huh!) annnnd for my bathroom door that you punched 3 holes in and knocked off the hinges (read more about this later in "Happy Fists").
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Look out for more Hot Topics including (but not limited to):

"Happy Fists"
starring Bryan Atienza/co-starring Father Robert

"What Do You Want From Us???"
quoted by yours truly, Eleanor Atienza & Bryan Atienza

"The Good Son"

"Diary of a Hot, Sexy, Mad White Woman"
(WHAT? That's not the title? Oh well...its my blog, I'll change things as I see fit ;P )

"Monster-in-Laws"
(oh, wait...this is for another blog...my mistake!)

"Jayciella Gets a New Last Name"
(she has been requesting 'Square Pants' or 'The Explorer'...but I told her neither were really becoming.)

"Dumb and Dumber"
(opps...sorry again...this, too, is for another blog)

"Shall We [Salsa] Dance...(while my daughter is at the cancer doctor)"

"I left my daughter and her [scared] mom at the ER"

"Reality Bites"
(or does it?)

.....and more...


ok...till next time....