Blog Entry #2

Hi all. Sorry it took me a week to blog again…it seems curious minds were anxiously awaiting the next entry; I don’t blame ‘em…you can’t make this stuff up! Anyhow, no word from Bryan or his family…neither responded to my first entry; I didn’t think they would. I just wonder how they go about their every business without concern for Jayciella. HUH?

So, my last entry got some interesting feedback. A friend of mine (a male friend, which BTW…really do think sooo different from women) really got me thinking. He said that all I was saying was ‘falling on deaf ears’ and to just file through the state for child support and let it go…in a nutshell. He told me that I may be looking for an answer that I will never get and even if I did get an answer (as to how a father of a baby could turn his back on his obligations…and yes, I do believe when two people have a child together there are certain obligations…we’ll speak of these in another blog) it will not be good enough. He is right! What answer can I get that will ever justify these actions (they are, indeed, inexcusable)…probably none. I mean, what could the answers be…”I’m too young”…”I’m not ready”…”I want to live me life”…”My mother told me this will ruin my life” (she really did…more on this in a later blog)…I could come up with tons of possible answers…all equally unacceptable. Hum…what would happen if I, too, decided I’m too young, not ready, etc…where would Jayciella be then? Lucky for her, one of us can hack the responsibility! So you see…it is my human nature to try to understand things and look for answers…and further, defend what I believe in my heart is right (maybe I should have been a defense attorney, as my mother/brother always sarcastically call me)! My thought process is as follows…I am a woman, a mother to a daughter who is my life…my heart, she is everything to me. I look at her and tear up sometimes over just how much joy and love she makes me feel. I watch her in all her new ‘milestones’ and accomplishments (there are MANY these days) and my face lights up as she learns something new and looks to me for affirmation and approval…with every kiss, giggle, squeeze and tickle… I realize she is an extension of me and God choose me to be her ‘MOMMY.’ Then I have another realization, that her father, who also took part in her creation, is NOT here to see these things…that the very things that complete my life and help define who I am (my daughter)…are not what completes him (I wonder what does complete him). To think of this, hurts me…but I am a 28-yr-old grown woman, who is resilient and strong…thanks be to God, but my 9 month old daughter…that’s who I hurt for…and sometimes, just sometimes…I hurt most for Bryan, not only for the joy he is missing but also because I know that he isn’t fully grasping the error of his ways…and there consequences. So, while I thoroughly enjoyed speaking with my friend and I know his intentions were good, I am not sure he fully gets it…that I cannot just ‘let it go’ without at least an attempt at uncovering reasons…and I would not want to. I have (or had…I don’t even know anymore) this desire for Jayciella to have her mother and her father raise her in a happy family unit…well, it isn’t so (we’re a happy family unit, just minus the father part), therefore, that same desire now fuels me to do right by my daughter...and that includes me, at the very least, trying to understand all this. SO you see, this friend I speak of has two children himself, but he has never had to care for them all by himself or even think about how hard it would be if he had to…he has a wonderful wife who, well, pretty much holds down the fort (as far as the children are concerned)…if he really were ever in my shoes he would know that its hard in every sense of the word. To me…things are not always so black and white...we are human and we think and feel and have real emotions and well…all this can lead to very grey areas…where things are not so clear cut. Logic has its place in the world, but when it comes to family and children and love…well, there’s no room for it…

On a more serious note, I was at the doctor Wednesday with my daughter…it turns out her blood work is still abnormal. Two weeks ago, though, her white cells were going up (from 300 to 800)...so I was happy. But yesterday, they went back down to 500...ugggg...!!! So, if in two more weeks her blood counts are not where they need to be, we will need to discuss a bone marrow test. I am quite scared of this, as it is invasive, but I plan on getting a second opinion...I will keep you posted on her status. Did you ever have to take your baby to a hematologist/oncologist? Yeah, it’s certainly not fun, most especially when you’re by yourself. I’m not gonna lie…a little more resentment sets in every time I have to take her (and she has been going every two weeks for two months now). The physical end is hard, which includes getting dressed, getting her dressed, packing up the diaper bag, filling her bottles, making sure I have everything, carrying the 25lb+ car seat, plus my purse, plus the diaper bag, down three flights of steps, putting her in the car, driving to the hospital, paying for parking, parking, getting the carriage out of the back, unbuckling her from the car seat and rebuckling her into the carriage, walking to the elevator, go down to the main hospital level to the lab, take her out of the carriage, hold down her little arm while the nurse pokes her with a needle and she screams bloody murder, comfort her, put her back in the carriage, watch her closely to make sure she doesn’t eat her bandage, go back to the elevator, go up to the pediatric hematology/oncology floor, check her in (and I’m almost always asked if I’m her mom, since my id doesn’t match her last name…one reason why I seek to change her last name…more on this in another blog), unbuckle her AGAIN, hold her while the nurse takes her blood pressure, temp, height and weight…all while screaming (yeah, she hates the doctor), undress her, hold her and try to entertain her while waiting for the doctor and his news and Jayciella’s test results, stand by in panic as the doctor exams her (she is still screaming), redress her, and well…repeat many of the above steps to get back home (you get the point)! So, yes, the physical end is hard, very hard and exhausting…but nothing can compare to the emotional pain and the fear and the worry of thinking something may be wrong with my baby girl and going through it alone, with little emotional support and nothing from Jayciella’s father! Sometime, I just cry while I’m there, other times, I’m just in shock that I’m even going through it…I sit there and look into the chemo room or at the basket of handmade, knit caps that were donated by a kind soul for the balding kids…and I pray to God for Jayciella to be fine (and in my heart, I believe she is). I know that, while this is hard for me, (as it would be for any mother) I’m creating an even deeper, stronger bond between Jayciella and myself. I am there for her, as her protector and comforter in all this…and she feels it and will remember this in the future, I wish we can say the same for Bryan, as you cannot rewind time. SO, yeah, I get mad and angry and resentful (who wouldn’t???) at the thought that while I am going through all this (and that is just a trip to the doctor…more on my everyday routine in a later blog), Bryan is at work or school or sleeping or out with his friends or having a drink or away for the weekend or (get this…) out salsa dancing, etc…etc…etc. I have no sympathy for him…and no tolerance for his actions, or lack there of! He says he ‘tried’…well, I’m not sure how (more on this in a later blog).

So, yeah, it stinks going to the hematologist/oncologist with your nine month old daughter…alone without comforting words of reassurance from her father. But not having him there…well, is bitter-sweet…seeing as though my first trip to the ER with Jayciella resulted in my having to ask him to leave the room (he instead left the hospital altogether…and left me there with her till 6 in the morning…more on this in a later blog). I am aware that he may not get all this or understand me or why I feel the way I do or do the things I do…and I don’t fault him for this, but I do fault him for giving up or trying to understand and put himself in my shoes! Someone most know that what is going on is wrong…I pray that soon, someone starts giving him better advice…selfless, unbiased advice…

Till next time…